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n this world, we are surrounded by argument. We turn on the news and hear about wars over differing views. We engage in political campaigns in which politicians debate over policies. Many people then come home and fight with their significant other. Children watch their parents argue. It is all around us.
What is at the root of this? Our communication!
Language is what distinguishes us, as humans, from all other species. Yes, other species communicate, but we have words and many different variations across continents.
Now, we might not be able to prevent people from disagreeing- everyone will have their own values and beliefs. But what if we could all co-exist with an appreciation for these differences, instead of having them as the driving force behind the division of families?
Many people think that arguing is communication.
Consider that arguing occurs when there is a lack of communication.
Communication is when someone is expressing themselves in a way that their experience is heard and gotten by the other person. The problem is, in what we call 'communication' (as an exchange of words) most of us don't listen. Well, at least not to the other person. We are too busy listening to ourselves.
That, in essence, could be at the root of all the arguing that, if you take notice, solves nothing. Think about this- how much do you really listen to someone else when they are speaking? Often, our listening is crowded with our own thoughts and judgements. We are already rehearsing our response, waiting to express our opinion before the other person is done. Imagine, if, when someone was speaking to us, we were listening so intently that we could repeat back to them what we heard, adding nothing, and really able to empathize. Furthermore, what would it be like if someone listened to you that way? No interruptions, just being truly present to what you are sharing. What if we put the emphasis on the importance of listening rather than talking?
Arguments escalate because each person doesn't feel validated or considered. People begin to raise their voices, dominate the other, all in an attempt to be heard. Can you see how this would be unnecessary if communication was really there? Maybe if you were listening, you'd see you didn't have anything to really argue about.
So here is something to take on: the next time you find yourself in conflict, put your opinions and thoughts aside and listen to the other person. Really get their concerns and desires. You might not agree, but from a standpoint of understanding you can then enter a realm of acceptance, compromise, and peace.
It is there that argument has no space to live.
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