How to Get Healed Over an Affair

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The old adage: "Time heals all wounds" is true. But slightly misleading. Because it's not totally accurate. As anyone who is suffering, or has suffered through an affair will tell you, the missing word in that folk wisdom is: "eventually."

But, clearly, eventually is little comfort if you're haunted by the terrible legacy of your partner's infidelity. The nightmare images of your beloved in the arms of someone else. The Anger. The Rage. The resentment. The negative thoughts that replay themselves over and over in your mind. Making each day a challenge just to do the simplest things. And disrupting or completely preventing sleep.

And worst of all, the self-doubt. The nagging lingering feeling that somehow, someway, it was you who failed. That there was something lacking in you that caused your partner to stray. That you should have "sensed" something was wrong. That you should have "known" something was not right. The end result being the obvious one. You, who did nothing wrong, and everything right, blame yourself for your spouse's adultery.

The consequences of this "victim consciousness" mindset are the most serious obstacles to getting through your agony and, yes, I'll say it - eventually - healing. With your self-respect low or non-existent, your life, and your possibilities for advancing this depressing situation are effectively paralyzed.

The most basic day to day chores you must do seem impossible. Not important. Not worth the effort. Even though in your rare moments of rationality you know you must do them. Your focus is scattered. You have little or no concentration. As you are constantly bombarded with all the negative thoughts and images. The majority of which you create and amplify.

This is "emotional quicksand." The more you struggle, the more you try to pull yourself out of the negative descent, the further down you go. And there is no way out.

Does this sound familiar? Is this where you are now? Is this what you're dealing with? Yes, it's beyond depressing. Beyond devastating. But it's not the end of the World. Although it must seem like it now. I know.  

Just pull yourself together, you shall overcome

Here's my best advice

1. Remember - "NO ONE GETS OUT OF HERE ALIVE." That line from the Doors song "The End", is a wake-up call. A shout out to "smell the coffee." A reminder that no one is immortal. Alan Watts summed it up this way: "Everything composed, no matter how long postponed, must eventually decompose." Ok - I know it sounds a little gory - but it's true. We're all going to die. So while we're here - while we're alive - we have two choices. One - whine about how unfair "life" is and how badly we've been treated. Or- Two - live each moment as if it were our last. Joyfully. Gratefully. Appreciating all that being human and alive can be.

2. DON'T CARRY THAT WEIGHT. The weight of responsibility for the negative actions of someone else. You know what's right. Do what's right.

3. GET A TAN. An emotional one. By letting your interior qualities shine, and burn through the negativity that's holding you back. Get up close and personal with the one person who has all your best interests at heart. YOU! Get back to getting back all the positive elements that make you a unique and special human. And celebrate that humanity.

Understanding Men

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Men can be a mystery although sometimes women imagine that they don't understand a man since what the man is saying is either unpleasant or it is not what the woman wants to hear. Sometimes a woman just has a selective understanding of men so that she only truly understands what she likes and either misinterprets what she doesn't like or decides that he didn't really mean it that way. Understanding men requires that you remain acutely aware that each man is different and depending on his personality his words will mean different things. So what could it mean when a guy says he doesn't love you the way you want?

1. He cares for you but he DOESN'T love you! You are a woman whose company he may enjoy and who he would consider a friend but he is telling you that he doesn't have a romantic interest in you. This is one of the hardest situations to bear especially if you are friends and romance would be a natural progression for you but there is a romantic disconnect so that even though you may really like him he just doesn't feel the same way. If this is you then you need to stop pushing him for a relationship as you will only drive a wedge of anger and frustration between the two of you. You need to either accept that you can only be friends or if you cannot settle for friendship then you may need to slowly cut off ties from him. Can you be a friend and support him as he dates other women? If not then you may need to find a way to emotionally disconnect from him. If you leave don't do it in a huff or in anger since you cannot blame him for not feeling for you; that's just how he feels and you don't want him pretending do you?

2. He cares about you but he is not sure he wants to be in a romantic relationship with you. This is a man who is just not sure about what he wants from the relationship with you. He doesn't know what he really feels about you. His mind and heart are simply unsure about you and what he feels for you. His behavior may be confusing to you as he will blow hot and cold as a reflection of the inner indecisiveness that he has about you. You need to simply give him space to decipher his own mind and heart. It is easier to stop the relationship today, at this level, than 6 months or 1 year later when you are even more deeply invested in the relationship.

3. He doesn't want a romantic relationship with you. He is trying to be kind by telling you in a soft way that he has no romantic interest in you at all. Look at his behavior does it not show you that he has no romantic interest in you? And resist the temptation to see romance in normal kind deeds. See his deeds as they really are as you really don't want to chase an illusion that is only in your mind.

Understanding men means that you look at his behavior and his words. His words need to match up with his behavior. He doesn't love you if he says he loves you but treats you like last night's trash. So even in this situation look at his behavior to determine which of the 3 options you fall into. And be honest as self deception will only keep you in a hurtful situation for a much longer than was necessary.

Watch Out: Couples Breakup For These Reasons

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Despite the varied and multifaceted reasons why couples breakup, there are certain telltale signs that most breakups tend to show just before they happen. A prescient look into some of these reasons might help us avoid some of these pitfalls and save of precious relationships.

Infidelity

With all other reasons taken into this consideration, this is perhaps the major reason why couples breakup. Infidelity is a relationship wrecker to say the least. After a case of infidelity is discovered in a relationship, the element of trust is put under scrutiny and most relationships that survive it may never remain the same.

Relationships are found and built on trust and each partner is exclusively bond together physically. It is therefore often very difficult to forgive, forgot and then learn to trust a partner who has betrayed that trust. This is so often the major reason couples breakup.

Incompatibility

It is sad but true that a lot of couples after spending time together come to the awful realisation that they have certain "presumed" irreconcilable compatibility issues.

This is actually a failure on the part of the couple to come to a compromise and realise that though they have their differences of opinion, wants and desires in life, they can still work things out.

Lack of Quality Communication

Relationships basically can never survive without communication as this is the foundation of it. Lack of open and frequent communication between couples about issues that occur in the relationship can easily distress the relationship.

When issues cannot be brought out in the open and discussed with maturity between couples then there will be a situation where over time, anger, resentment, dissatisfaction and hatred will become bottled up by one or both parties.

When there is no quality communication between couples, they shy away from looking at and doing something about problems such as trust, flirting, jealousy, infidelity etc that might be plaguing the relationship. When there is good communication a lot of these seemingly difficult problems can be more easily resolved.

Financial Differences

While infidelity may win the day when it comes to reasons why couples breakup, disagreement over financial issues is nonetheless a front burner among reasons why couples also breakup.

If there are no proper rules and guidelines set at the onset of the relationship or if one of the partners develops a different attitude toward financial obligations regarding earning, saving and spending of money, then that relationship may well be heading for the bottom of the hill.

The use of money as bargaining power in most relationships is very unhealthy and also a contributory factor for a lot of breakup between couples. 

Lack of Appreciation and Attraction

Everyone wants to feel loved, respected, valued and appreciated in their lives and mostly in their relationships. When these little niceties are missing in a relationship, things can get very dreary and irritable.

The loss of attraction may cause reduction in physical desire which can be as a result of shortcomings in either of the couple's neglect of his or her physical fitness. However, each should try to view their partner as a person and not as an object that makes him or her feel good.

Lack of Fun and Spontaneity

When the day-to-day chores and responsibilities necessary in maintaining a home starts increasing, they can easily lead to boredom and can stifle the liveliness out of the relationship. City life and relocation stress has also added more to this problem. Business and professions compete strongly for the time needed to establish strong and loving relationships.

While the excitement in the relationship may start fading gradually, you can help keep things fun by being friends and playmates over again as well as the lovers that you are. It will take some hard work but you can start by trying to challenge each other and plan activities that will encourage you having fun together.

Lack of Commitment

This is an issue which cannot be pushed under the rug because our society is gradually becoming a more selfish one by the day. When we fail to give our relationships the attention and commitment they deserve, we are inadvertently planning for their failure.

Committing to our relationships will involve us making and spending time with one another on a more regular basis. Intentionally do something special, caring or romantic for each other every once in a while.

How to Make Your Man Want You More

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Many women make dangerous mistakes with men that kill the attraction in their relationships. A lot of men really want to have the attention of a fun and easy going woman who knows how to speak the language of attraction and today I'm going to tell you in a nutshell how to get your man's attention and keep it on you.

1. Men love to play

Ask any guy why he watches sports and you might not get a direct answer but it's all about the fun of the game

When it comes to your relationship your man isn't any different. He wants to play and he wants you to play with him. He doesn't want to hear you nag over and over again. Of course there are times when you have important things to talk about but if your focus is too much on wanting him to do something to please you or wanting to get your way, he will not view your relationship as fun but work. Be playful with him and he will find you totally irresistible.

2. Men love adventure

This is all locked inside a man's programming to seek out the things that are adventurous. This is why men build and create things. This is why they explore. It's innate in guys to want to go out and try something new. The thing is, if you're not creating new experiences for him, he will find the relationship flat and boring. You will come off as boring to him and he'll soon withdraw his interest from you. The most dangerous thing a woman can do is to let her relationship coast along just because she feels she has the guy. And if you don't quite have him at a commitment, you have to provide adventure for him in a way that sparks the attraction.

3. Men love their freedom

The top secret to making a man miss you is to allow him to have the chance to have his freedom. It works in two ways: 1. He'll love you for not controlling his time and 2. It will create the space inside of him to want to move more towards you.

A lot of women are using lovescripts written by men to to help women create that edge in their relationships and turn it up a notch. But these text messages are carefully crafted to trigger a deep incredible desire within men to want more and connect on a much deeper level. Be very careful what you send or you could be sitting by the phone for hours waiting for a reply. Learn exactly what to say and how to make him miss you like never before and want even more.

For Sexual Health, Read on....

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Has your relationship lost its magic? Wondering where the thrill has gone? I've  got all the ingredients you need to whip your relationship back into shape.

It comes as a surprise to most people to learn that many relationship challenges can be linked to unhealthy food choices. Avoiding unhealthy foods can lead to the deep, meaningful, and harmonious partnership you desire and deserve.  Top 2 foods to avoid if you want to create a more loving relationship.

The quality and nutritional value of your food impacts not only your physical and sexual health, but also your state of mind, and this in turn affects the state of your relationships. To strengthen a strained or struggling relationship, avoid these two foods:

1. Alcohol

Many people drink alcohol on a date to break the ice and lower inhibitions, but it doesn't do much for your sexual health or the quality of your relationship. Consuming large amounts of sugar not only exhausts your body, but also blurs your judgment. Alcohol, which is a form of refined sugar, distorts thinking and impedes memory. Long-term alcohol abuse can also lead to anger and depression, two emotions that can wreak havoc on a relationship.

2. Restaurant food

Even if you order the healthier choices from the menu, restaurant food carries the energy of the chef, which affects the energy of the relationship. Traditionally, a woman would cook meals for the man, contributing her loyalty and adoration to the ingredients. They would share the energy of the food and achieve a united state of mind. If a couple always eats out in a restaurant, they take in the chef's energy and thoughts, and they become united with the chef instead of with one another. To build a strong bond within a relationship, it is best if the couple eats mostly food prepared at home that is infused with the power and energy of their love.

An intimate, loving relationship should be nurtured from the inside out. To keep your mind clear and your relationship strong, avoid alcohol and too much of restaurant food. This practice will also improve communication and understanding, because you and your partner will share the same state of mind.

Your Low Self Esteem Can Be Overcome By These steps In Your Relationship

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It is a very common problem that many individuals are affected by their low self-esteem. They experience a feeling of worthlessness, inferiority complex, feeling small, incompetence and negativity towards oneself.

When a person is affected by low self-esteem, their belief system will cause the downfall of their life especially in their intimate relationships.

If you find your confidence in your own abilities is low, and hence having a fulfilling relationship can be difficult.

However, elevating or altering your self-esteem is achievable with some efforts and right thinking.

The following are some tips to overcoming your low self-esteem issue.

1. Do Not Self-Blame

Stop blaming yourself for feeling negative. No one wakes up one morning and decides to feel lousy about himself or herself.

Your self-esteem may have been affected by past experiences even those from your childhood experiences. There is no need to revisit the old stories but you need to decide to overcome it.

2. No One Is Perfect

Many people that have issues with low self-esteem tend to be hard on themselves. A fairly small mistake they make and they can beat themselves up.

You have to recognize that making mistakes allows you the opportunities to do it better the next time.

You just get better and better each day. This simple mindset shift will make a big difference to how you feel about yourself.

3. Be A Giver - Be Helpful

One way to overcome low self-esteem is for you to feel valued and worthwhile. Be generous and offer your help to your friends or family members. Perhaps volunteer your time and effort to a charitable organization.

Others will appreciate your help and generosity. This will in turn help you to feel good about yourself.

Accept compliments with grace.

4. Practice Positive Self-talk.

Feed your mind with positive self-talk will bring about positive energy into your life. Use positive affirmation.

It is a great technique to reprogram your subconscious and unconscious mind from negative thinking to positive. When you overwrite the negative with the positive ones, you naturally think positive.

Make it a point to read an inspirational or motivational book every week and associate with positive people.

5. Challenge Yourself - Mental Stimulation

Do not avoid situations that you think you may fail. Being in your comfort zone may make you feel comfortable but you deprive yourself of becoming more confident.

Mental stimulation allows you to feel charged up and energized.

6. Learn, Practice & Grow

Knowledge is key towards confidence and application of knowledge is power.

Go out of your comfort zone and pick up hobbies and learn new stuff to continue your quest towards success. With each you will gain more and more confidence.

Self-confidence doesn't happen overnight but overtime. Continue your quest with these techniques to overcome your lack of self-esteem and before long you will have more confidence than you ever imagined.

You will enjoy a meaningful relationship and success all round.

This Short Course Might Help You Choose a Mate For Life

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Research on relationships indicate you're not likely to meet Mr. or Miss Right  in a bar or a gym.

 It can happen, but mostly you find someone who just wants sex. 
Some of us meet through work.

If you do meet through work be cautious of the problems of having conflicts if one of you works for the other or if there is possible conflict of interest.

Once you start meeting potential mates, look for one who entertains you, makes you laugh, think, and would make a great parent for the children you will have. Ask yourself this, if you had children with this person would you want your kids to call them "Mom" or "Dad"? If you say "yes" to those concerns, you can move forward in the relationship.

If you say "no", back away or at least realize that you are in it for sex and attention, not for a relationship. Without the qualities necessary for you to imagine co-parenting with this person, you should move on.

If you have found The One, take a deep breath and cross your legs. Having sex too early will, ironically, ruin up the relationship. You don't gain much by playing too hard to get in other areas of the relationship, but sexually its best to go very slowly.

Start developing a friendship. Long hours of talking, walking, playing and even traveling together will help you decide if this has real potential. It takes a minimum of 3 months to become good friends. In that time learn everything you can about each other.

How does your new friend treat his parents, especially the opposite sex parent? How does she relate to her siblings, especially the opposite sex sibling?  Chances are if they are not treating them well, you will get the same treatment later on. Same with how they treat or talk about ex's.

Somewhere in the  period of association you will learn about their work habits, how they treated their last boyfriend or girlfriend, if they live up to their expressed values, if they have substance abuse problems, or if they get violent or angry in a way you can't tolerate. By going slowly you will begin to know who they really are or so.

In 3 months you will know who you have. Don't make a baby, or other long term commitments to each other or move in together until you are really certain this is The One. Character, integrity, intelligence, beliefs, the ability to show affection and a positive attitude toward life are just a start.

After you have determined all that, you can uncross your legs.