You Need to Talk

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ouples generally have no major problem talking about daily business - what should we eat for dinner, let's make weekend plans. That's good. People need to communicate about what's going on in their daily life.

However, over time, it's not unusual for one partner to feel distressed with the quality of their communication. Often, though not always, it's the woman who finds herself complaining that she desires deeper communication. And the man who finds himself on the defensive.

"We need to talk," may seem like a simple statement to women, but it's not. Particularly, if her man is hearing, "What did I do wrong now?" Or, "What are you upset about now?" Seeking to escape a dressing-down, he may well respond, "later." Which might be fine if later ever came. But it usually doesn't. Not of his own accord, anyway.

Initially, he may believe that "later" has helped him escape a confrontation, but after awhile he realizes, it hasn't. For she still needs to talk. And if he doesn't give her a chance to do so, she'll be stewing.

What does she want? She may want him to be more involved with the responsibilities of home or child care. Or, she may want him to be more involved in her life. She may be weary of the mundane talk that's the core of their discourse and be yearning for intimate conversations like those that used to take place in the days of courtship. It's typical for a woman to keep trying to improve the relationship with her partner. But she may go about it in ways that are not particularly productive. What might she do differently? Here are a few suggestions:

Begin with the Positive

It's so easy to begin a discourse with the negative. Your complaint is right there at the tip of your tongue. Do your best, however, to squelch the urge. Surely, there are positive aspects of your relationship that you can point out before giving a laundry list of all the stuff that's been bothering you. People put up their guard when they feel that they've been attacked and either counter attack or go on the defensive. So, do your best to start off with the positive, end with the positive and sandwich your complaint in between.

Be More Solution-Oriented

Complaining is a position of the weak. Suggesting a solution is a position of the strong. Instead of saying, "You never..... (Fill in the blank), say something like, "I love that you're such a good husband (as you enumerate a few positive traits)." Then add what it is that you want. "And I want us to spend more time communicating about each other, not just the kids."

Ask specifically for what you want

Do you want to go on vacation without the kids? (Studies show that those who do this have better marriages.) Do you want a date night once a week, once a month? Do you want to have evening conversations that focus on each other, not the daily details of life? Think about it. It's not always easy to know what you want.

Keep it Short

It's no secret that women like to talk more than men. Women like the details. Men like to get to the bottom line, fast. So, if you're planning to have an hour long discussion about the state of your relationship and he'd like to keep it to two minutes, strike a compromise. Better to have 20 minutes of quality conversation than 60 minutes of a diatribe.

Communication, like other interpersonal skills, needs to be fine-tuned to the person you're speaking with and the topic you're speaking about.

A Partner's Habits Can be Endured Gracefully

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hough there are many habits that rock households in exasperation. (What is clearly not the scope of this article are habits of addiction.)

We all have our nagging deficiencies; those habits or faults about us only our partners would faithfully endure. And that is the lot of the partner-to find a way to bridge the gap between annoyance and acceptance.

What can help is growing our understanding of three things:

1) Knowing and unconditionally accepting our partner;

2) Appreciating and accepting ourselves (and changing if we can); and,

3) Appreciating the unique relationship dynamic shared between the two.

UNDERSTANDING TWO INDIVIDUALS AND ONE RELATIONSHIP DYNAMIC

Isn't it peculiar how God puts us with people, in our family contexts and at work, that prove irritating by the things they do or the way they do them? Could it be these challenges are object lessons in the waiting?

When someone is given to chewing loudly and we may be challenged for tolerance not to criticise, the opportunity is to grow in grace - beginning one moment at a time.

What may seem as easy challenges to overcome for others could be never harder for others; we are the way we are and the opportunity is to accept it. Just the same, our partners have their own eccentricities to deal with, notwithstanding ours. So, it's a four-way tolerance that is needed within one relationship dynamic: a portion of tolerance each for their own as well as tolerance for the partner's beneficence.

Tolerance is such a need in all relationships and, though it is simple in theory, it is actually quite hard to practice when we consider the way we naturally think is, to a large extent. We may not be able to change the way we think (or maybe to some degree we can) but we can resist acting in intolerant ways.

Notwithstanding habits of addiction, all partners in relationships have their quirks. So long as the habit is not problematic, it is each partner's concern to exercise tolerance regarding those quirks. The goal is to move from annoyance and reach acceptance.

Physical Touch

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umerous research projects have long shown that physical touch is a way of communicating emotional love. The importance of touching is not a modern idea. Physical touch is a powerful vehicle for communicating emotional love. Holding hands, embracing, kissing and sexual intercourse are all ways of communicating emotional love to one's spouse. For some individuals, it's their primary love language. When they are not touched, they feel unloved. When they are touched, their emotional tank is filled, and they feel secured in the love of their spouse.

Sexual intercourse, however, is only an aspect in love language of physical touch. Of the five languages, touching unlike the other four is not limited to one localized area of the body, as tiny perceptible receptors are located throughout the body. This is why communication is very important in any relationship. It gives us insight on, where to touch and how. When those receptors are pressed or touched, nerves communicate impulses or messages and we perceive that the thing that touched us is cold or warm, strong or soft. It gives response of pleasure or pain. It could also be interpreted as loving or hostile. Physical touch can make or break a relationship. It can communicate love or hate to the wife or husband whose primary love language is physical touch. A tender hug shouts love to your spouse especially when her primary love language is touching. In marriage, the touch of love may take many forms since touch receptors are located throughout the body. Love touch may be explicit and demands your full attention such as in a back rub or sexual foreplay, culminating in intercourse. On the other hand, love touch may be implicit and requires only a moment, such as putting your hand on his shoulder as you pour a cup of tea or rubbing your body against him as you pass each other. Whatever time, resources or energy you spend learning how to touch your loved ones and understanding the effects, it is worth it.

However, your best instructor is your spouse. He or She is the one you are seeking to love. She knows best what she perceives as a loving touch. This is why you must not insist on touching her in your own way and time. Learn to speak your spouse love dialects. Your spouse may find some touches irritating or uncomfortable. To insist on such touch, means you are not sensitive to her needs and that you care little about her perception of what is pleasant. Implicit love touch as the name sounds requires little time but much thought, especially if physical touch is not your primary love language. Sitting close to each other on the couch as you watch Television requires no additional time but it communicates your love loudly. Touching your spouse as you walk through the room, touching each other when you leave the house and again when you return may involve only a brief kiss or hug but will speak volumes to your spouse. Even in the moment of cries, the most important thing you can do for your partner is show love through the love language he or she understands. If her primary love language is physical touch, nothing is more important than holding her as she cries. What you say may mean little but the touch will communicate that you care.

Some Principles of Physical Touch The following are some principles of physical touch you can implement. 1. Go and sit beside your spouse as she watches television, initiate a shoulder message. Continue this for a while. 2. While eating together, let your foot slips over and touch your spouse. 3. As you walk to the super market, reach out and hold your spouse's hand. 4. Inside car with your spouse, reach over and touch your spouse. 5. At home or in the church, always hold your spouse's hand and pray together. 6. Run the water in the bath and announce to your spouse to join you. In the bath, rub her feet gently while you look at her straight the eyes. 7. When family and friends are visiting. In their presence, touch your spouse. A hug, placing your hands on her shoulder as you talk to him or her can earn you double emotional points. 8. When he or she arrives at home, meet him or her and give him or her big hug and kiss. 9. Initiate sex by giving your spouse a foot message. Continue to other parts of the body s long as it brings pleasure to your spouse. 10. Always communicate with your spouse to know which parts of the body give her pleasure when touched.

There are many more and it only takes common sense to figure out when, where and how.

Ideas to Make Your Man's Heart Melt

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ince your man has been sweet, thoughtful and caring towards you, it's only natural that you desire to please him too. So here are 5 sweet things you can do for your partner- ideas to make your man's heart melt...

Idea #1: Tell him what you admire about him.

All men love being admired. It's an irreplaceable feeling to be admired by the woman you love. Unfortunately, many women make the mistake of neglecting to tell their men how much they admire him. Hence, telling your man how much you admire him makes you stand out among the other women he's dated. He feels at ease, knowing that he is successfully able to impress you. The safer he feels with you, the more he can open his heart to you.

Idea #2: Make him a home-cooked meal.

Many modern women are simply too busy and tired after a day's work to whip up a home-cooked meal. If you and your man eat out most nights, preparing a home-cooked meal for him may be exactly what will melt his heart. It doesn't need to be fancy. As long as you are sincere about cooking something nutritious and suitable for him, he will find it sweet if he's the right guy for you.

Idea #3: Support his decisions as much as possible.

While it's unrealistic to support all his decisions, do your best to support most of them. Only object to his ideas if you simply cannot keep silent about it. Supporting his decisions is a sweet thing to do for your partner because it shows him that you trust him. Men secretly feel the need to be trusted by the woman they love. Giving him what he needs to feel good about himself is a sweet thing to do for your man because your trust matters so much to him... and you're the only one who can give it to him.

Idea #4: Praise him for his efforts and achievements.

Many women don't know how much it hurts a man when they criticize them. Do something sweet for your man by doing the exact opposite - Praise him for his efforts and achievements instead. Even the seemingly small acts like opening the door for you, travelling all the way to see you, etc. It feels great to be appreciated for your effort and men feel it too. His heart will melt especially if everyone else around him takes him for granted - his boss, friends, family.

Idea #5: Look your best so he feels proud to be seen with you.

Your man may not tell you, but he feels very proud to be seen with an attractive woman. It makes him feel even better knowing that the attractive woman he's walking next to is his woman! Walking next to a sexy woman makes him look good to other men... which makes him want to strut and show off. So if you want to do something sweet for your man and melt his heart, make an effort to look your best by exercising, keeping a healthy diet and wearing feminine clothing.

Definition Of Best Sex

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ave you been taking good care of one of the most important aspects of your relationship? I am not talking about sex here. If you have, this will be great because it means you are still having the best sex ever. If you are not, the best way to get the flame of passion coming back and burning over and over again is to remember the romantic aspect of true love.

When you were courting, all you could think about was how exciting and romantic it was to be together. You would do a lot of things to please each other. As time passes, you will get so used to each other that you have stopped making special efforts for each other. Busy routines and the many other details you need to take care of can take your mind off on the romantic aspects of your relationship.

What Is Romance And Why Is It Important

It is not just giving her boxes of chocolates, flowers or standing outside her window playing a musical instrument and singing a love song. The very definition of the word romance which is love between two people tells us that there are more important aspects of romance than flowers or chocolates.

Romance is the combination of those everyday sweet gestures and occasional display of special (or maybe dramatic) effort to make each other feel good, loved and appreciated and how much you care for him or her. It can keep you going when life outside your home sucks.

Romance in the form of attentive and satisfactory lovemaking is just one aspect of romance in a relationship. Sex is not equal to romance. But romance is often required for good sex to take place especially after a couple has been together for some time. Sex without romance or feelings for each other is just the sexual act (or just going through the motion) which can only leave you feeling empty and dissatisfied.

Here Are a Few Ways to Put More Romance Back Into Your Relationship

(1) Take care of your appearance

You may feel that since he or she is already your husband or wife, there is no need to be bothered with putting on a 'great show' to impress your partner. But if you become indifferent to your appearance, your partner may have a hard time seeing you in a romantic and exciting way.

There is nothing wrong in trying to be comfortable around the house. But do yourself and your partner a favour by paying attention to your dressing and personal hygiene. You make sure you do not 'mess things up' in the bathroom; you remember to flush after you use the toilet - paying attention to all these small little details helps a lot in making life better for each other. Therefore, show your partner that you care by making an effort to look, feel and smell good.

(2) Add in some words of appreciation and love

When you say "I love you", you say it with sincerity. Everyone appreciates being told how much they are loved and cherished. The aim is to create more closeness in your relationship. This will require sharing those thoughts and emotions that can make your partner feel loved and appreciated. Tell your partner often how much you enjoy his or her company and what you like most about him or her.

(3) Closer bonding through touching

How you touch each other can communicate different feelings and provoke different sensations. Many women complain that men only touch them when they want sex. Most women crave for more intimacy and one of the ways they can feel the closeness to their partners is through casual and non-sensual touching, such as holding hand, a morning or welcome-home kiss or simply brushing up against her when you walk pass by her. Make this part of the way you communicate this feeling of love and closeness to your partner in your daily life.

(4) Spend time alone together

What you need here is to spend uninterrupted time alone sharing thoughts, ideas and activities in a way that gives you pleasure and draws you closer as a couple. Make an effort to find at least a few hours each week for the two of you to be alone together like going for a walk, a movie, taking up dancing lessons or playing some sexy romantic games. Or stay home, enjoying with your partner a glass of juice drink while you play some music or watch some rented movies together.

(5) Add variety to your sex life

Seize the moment and let loose your inhibitions. For women, reverse the role when it comes to sex and you play the role of aggressor for a change. You can wear sexy lingerie at home to add spice to your sex life. Remember, being romantic in your daily life should never be a chore. These are the few moments out of your day when you can forget about the stresses of the outside world and focus on each other, so treasure those moments you have and have those treasured moments occupy a greater part of your relationship.

When to Give Up on Him

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ou and the man you love have been together for years. Maybe it all hasn't been completely perfect, but you've overcome the obstacles and you've both stayed focused on what is important, and that's your connection. You're getting a little frustrated with the fact that he has yet to propose, yes? It's understandable. Many women, just like you, envision a life that includes a committed and loving marriage. When the man you're with doesn't seem motivated to move in that same direction, you have to inevitably face a crossroad. Do you wait endlessly for him to make a decision about whether he'll eventually want to marry you, or do you cut your losses and go looking for someone who sees the value in being your husband?

Obviously you two have discussed the subject of marriage at times, yes? Consider how he responded to those conversations. A man who is commitment phobic will do whatever is necessary to shift the discussion to something else. He may try and get you to focus more on how great things are right now and he'll often say that you shouldn't worry so much about the future. That's because his fear or inability to commit is overwhelming him and he doesn't see any reason for the relationship to change. If he's happy being your long term boyfriend, he's not going to see any viable reason to change it.

Some men shy away from the idea of marriage because of extenuating circumstances. Things like not feeling financially comfortable or struggling with the after effects of a very painful divorce within their own family are both reasons why some men just can't wrap their minds around the idea of a proposal. If your guy doesn't feel that he can support himself in the way he'd like, he's certainly not going to pop the question. The same is true if he watched his parents shift from loving one another to hating one another because of a bitter divorce. In fact, some men are so scared that history will repeat itself that they won't ask their girlfriend to be their wife because they're fearful of eventually losing her.

You love your guy so you definitely have some insight into what makes him tick. If he has confided in you that he's still deeply impacted by his own parents' marriage issues, consider that it may just take him longer to want to dive into a more committed situation. If he's the type of man who shuns any conversation that has to do with commitment, he may just not be marriage material.

Deciding to end a relationship because you don't see commitment on the horizon is painful but sometimes may be the necessary step to take. No one can decide what you should do but you. Just ask yourself whether you'd be content still being his girlfriend in a year, five years or ten years. If the answer is "no," and he's rigid on his decision not to marry, you have to seriously consider what is best for you.

You must also weigh how important the actual idea of marriage is. Many couples live long, happy and fulfilling lives as life partners. This arrangement lacks the engagement ring, ceremony and anniversaries. It is important to do at least one form of marriage as the society demands: by court, religious or traditional. However, it does offer a life with the man you adore. Is it the idea of being married or is it the man you love that is most important to you? Only you can decide.

Healing a Broken Marriage

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t might surprise you to know how many couples who appear happy in public are really on the edge of divorce in their private lives. These people are often well-educated and financially sound individuals who look like they have everything going for them. Every day, couples like these file for divorce, because their lives together have been undermined by busy schedules, the demands of childcare and little disagreements that have escalated from minor to full-blown verbal battles over the years of their relationship. You might also be surprised to learn that the majority of couples who are getting divorces actually do still love each other. If they only knew the right techniques, their marriages could be saved, and they would be much happier.

No one wants to see their life crash and burn, but sometimes the problems of staying together seem to be so insurmountable that there appears to be no other way out. Maybe you've experienced some of this in your own union. You love your spouse, but he or she seems to have gotten more annoying lately, and you're growing farther apart. Take heart, because there are ways that you can heal your relationship and rebuild your solid, happy marriage.

One thing that most couples faced with failing marriages have in common is that they seldom take time any more to talk to each other. Outside obligations crowd their way in, the children are always around to interrupt or keep them from discussing their lives with each other, and they begin to feel a separation between them that just wasn't there before. Therefore, no matter how busy both of you are, you need to keep the lines of communication open. Take a date night together each week. That will give you time to actually talk things over with each other. This is the only way you'll stay in touch and understand what your spouse is dealing with that may be causing problems in your lives.

Well-meaning relatives and friends can provide both support and stumbling blocks for the two of you. You need to enjoy the support they offer without letting them influence you in your life's choices. It's easy for these people to offer their opinions which really shouldn't make a difference in what you decide to do. These decisions must be made between you and your spouse without outside interference.

Finally, if all else has failed, you need to employ a marriage expert who will be able to help you figure it all out. This person is trained in the techniques you need to save your marriage from becoming just another statistic.