Healthy Communication

Tweet

H

ere's the thing about communication; it's inevitable. Whether you are the life of the party or the biggest introvert on this planet; at any given stage of your daily life, you are communicating. Even if you are not saying a word to anybody, you are still communicating... Let me explain:

The Webster's Dictionary defines "communication" as the transmitting of information or ideas, between individuals, through a common system of symbols, signs, or behaviour. In other words: the giving/sending of information or ideas. If there is a giver, there has to be a receiver, so the giving and receiving of information, concepts or ideas between at least two individuals at a time, be it verbally or non-verbally.

If we analyse this definition of communication we find that; you are also communicating through your actions and your behaviour; not only through verbal or written words, as many still believe. So when communicating with someone - be aware of the message that your body language, your tone of voice and your facial expressions are conveying.

Non-verbal communication is a huge field of study on its own, but in short; this is why writing letters or e-mails or sending SMSs are NOT A GOOD IDEA when dealing with sensitive issues - much rather go and talk to the person in question, face to face, so that the message you truly want to convey, is coming through loud and clear because of the fact that your (very often)unconscious non-verbal communication, carries just as much weight - if not more - than your verbal communication does.

So many misunderstandings results from written communication. A message that was intended as a non-threatening question could in fact, quite easily come through as a very serious accusation for e.g.

The fact that there is a giver and a receiver, to me, definitely suggests that both parties have an active role to play when communicating with one another. The giver has to make sure that he gives the information in such a way that the receiver can "receive" the information correctly. The receiver on the other hand, has to make sure that he receives exactly what has been given. You might be saying..."duh" But it's not as easy as it sounds.

The fact that communication occurs between individuals is where this gets interesting. You and I communicate differently. We speak differently, we act and react differently. The definition states that communication occurs through a common set of beliefs or symbols, but this is a bit problematic. He used the very interesting example of the phrase: "let's talk about it". If you grew up in a family where this meant: you throw around a couple of ideas until one or both of you get bored and then put the discussion on hold till further notice, it is more than understandable that your partner - for who this exact same phrase meant: we sit around a table and discuss this situation in earnest with a clear goal or decision as an end result-will get furious at you for treating the situation "so lightly". You, on the other hand, have absolutely no idea what just happened, because you did exactly what you said you were going to do - "you talked about it".

With regards to conflict resolution, for some, getting straight to the point in a matter-of-fact kind of way, is easier than for others. You might prefer a softer, less confrontational way of dealing with the issue. Someone else might just ignore the problem all together in order to avoid the uncomfortable situation that is "sure to arise" as soon as the subject is broached. What is an "uncomfortable situation" for one (causes discomfort - physically or emotionally) is an opportunity to grow, to understand and to change a situation for another.

It is no wonder that most couples struggle with effective communication!

Take on an active role when communicating with your partner - when he/she is talking, your job is to LISTEN. Try and make sure that you are hearing exactly WHAT it is that your partner is trying to say; don't just listen to the words and attribute your own meaning to it and don't just take the words at face value. Try saying: "what I am hearing is - x y z, am I understanding you correctly, is this what you are saying?" As soon as you "heard correctly" you can respond to what was said. And then you swop roles.

In conclusion - communication is something we do not pay enough attention to at all. We think communicating is easy, we can't understand why our partners just aren't getting what we're trying to say, plenty of marriages are broken up and destroyed each year and in my opinion, ineffective communication plays a huge role here.

If you want to learn how to communicate effectively make an appointment with a counsellor TODAY - it will make a huge difference in your everyday life - and might even save your relationship.

Leave Your Baggage Behind

Tweet

B

aggage - we've all heard the term used in conversation at one time or another. No, we're not talking about the type of baggage you carry for a holiday to Zanzibar. Unfortunately, this baggage doesn't come with a great a margarita, but instead, memories of past relationships and emotional scars from love lost. The good news is- everyone has it. At one time or another, we've all been dumped or put through an emotional whirlwind when it comes to our love lives. The trick is to learn how to use baggage in a healthy way by acknowledging the past, learning from it and moving on. When we are open and receptive to a healthy, meaningful, lasting love in the present, baggage from the past can no longer weigh us down.

Keep it Positive

Less than stellar relationships of the past can sometimes make it difficult to maintain positive, healthy belief systems. But to attract the relationships you want, you need to present the best version of you. Think about this- when someone is negative, what kind of energy are they sending? Is it fun and flirty? Do they attract you and motivate you to want to spend time with them? Not at all.

It's true, bad relationships make it easy to fall into the negativity trap. "I'm no good at relationships", "all men only want one thing" or "women only want you for your money". These are the types of negative belief systems that will hold you back from finding that someone special- every time. Remember, we attract what we focus on. Make certain to empower yourself with a healthy view of dating and the opposite sex and start to attract this into your life.

Leave the Past Where it belongs- in the Past

Okay, that past relationship really did a number on you and you're finding it a challenge not to analyze and re-analyze every inch of what you did or didn't do. Don't let the relationships of the past hold you back from the relationship of the future. The past does not equal the future and it never will.

If you're spending too much time focusing on what didn't work in your past relationship, you are more likely to get similar results in your future relationship. It goes back to the saying "what you focus on is what you get". There's a reason why professional athletes, musicians and even business executives are told to focus on the goal (and not the mistake!), because it increases their chances of achieving it.

The Positives of Baggage

Believe it or not, baggage serves a useful purpose. It gives us the experience, skills, knowledge and tools we need to find the last relationship we'll ever have. Like an actor on an audition, we need to learn from the past, refine our technique, understand ourselves completely and present this new and improved person to the world. With every past relationship, you're closer to the one that makes your heart sing. Use your baggage as a reference point to know and understand what you do and don't want from a relationship and then file it away.

No one can be expected to master the art of love without a few trip-ups along the way. From broken hearts and shattered dreams we build new visions of ourselves. Keep a positive mindset through the process and attract the positive meaningful, relationship you're ready for. Remember to keep the past in the past and don't dwell on what you could have or should have done in previous situations. There's a reason why baggage exists. Use it for learning and growing and then close the door from the past making room for new doors of opportunity to swing in your direction.

You Can Choose to Keep Your Love Alive

Tweet

D

oing and saying simple things to give your partner the message that you notice, appreciate and respect them helps fill their buckets and makes your relationship feel like a great place to be. Taking each other for granted can leave either of you vulnerable to positive attention from others. When you are not giving and receiving positive attention at home you can become so starved for compliments that when someone does pay attention to you, you are more drawn to them than you might otherwise be. When home is not a warm and welcoming place, sometimes work or other places can seem more appealing.

It is also surprising how much noticing, appreciating and respecting your partner will fill your bucket as well and help you feel more loving toward them. The adage, love is a verb, is worth remembering. The choice to act lovingly helps feelings of love to grow. When you choose to continue behaving in a loving way toward you partner, even on those days when you don't feel particularly loving, then they will feel more loved and accepted and you will feel more loving toward them.

The ability to make this choice begins with awareness. When was the last time that you gave your partner a genuine compliment? When was the last time that you told them how much you appreciate them? Those little daily acts of noticing, appreciating and respecting are what keep the love alive. Do your words and actions help your partner feel smart or stupid, caring or selfish, excited or defeated, cared about or neglected; are you helping your partner feel good about himself or bad about herself. It is not that you are responsible for how your partner feels; it is that helping them feel good about themselves when they are with you will greatly increase their loving feelings toward you. We fall in love with or stay in love with someone because of how we feel about ourself when we are with them. It is only natural to want to spend time with those people who help us feel good about ourselves.

If your partner does or says something that hurts you do not retaliate. Retaliation brings out hateful feelings in even the best of people. If your inclination is to lash back if you feel hurt, learn to take a deep breath and hang onto yourself. Take some time to cool down and then choose your actions, rather than reacting to what your partner has said or done. Feeling justified in treating your partner badly, because you feel hurt or upset, will be cold comfort as your relationship spirals downward. Sometimes it is more important to choose to be happy than it is to maintain that you are right. Put your ego aside and focus on creating what you want. Choosing to love your partner when you least feel like it, can begin the change to an upward spiral toward a more satisfying relationship.

This Will Make Him Fall For You

Tweet

L

etting a guy know that you're in love with him and that you want a commitment can be extremely hard. It puts most women in dilemma. 90% of men who are in relationships right now are commitment phobic and wouldn't be ready to commit to the woman they're with even if they're given the world. This causes a lot of complications to arise in relationships.

If you want to get your boyfriend to fall in love with you, make him commit and start a family as soon as you can, pay close attention here. You're about to discover some mind blowing secrets which will mesmerize a man and create massive amounts of attraction in him. The attraction you create in him will make him eventually commit to you for sure.

Here are mind blowing ways to let a guy know that you love him and make him commit...

Indirectly point out that he's the man...

Indirectly pointing out that he's the man will work wonders for your relationship. It will make him feel more interested in you and also help you establish a connection with him. Men leave relationships if they feel that they aren't getting the admiration they deserve from a woman. It's your job as a woman to admire your man.

So stop nagging. Instead admire him. Give him real genuine compliments for being a man that you like and adore. Don't go overboard and throw compliments every now and then. Showing admiration to him in this way will make him feel more fascinated by you. You aren't actually revealing that you're in love with him or want a commitment. But subtly, you show something that he'll pick up.

You May Choose Not to talk about commitment...

There are women who didn't talk about commitment (even though they wanted a commitment from the guy) and still got the man to commit effortlessly.

You need to be subtle in expressing your desire for a commitment. But at the same time, you should never reveal your feelings at first. It's a man's job to reveal the feelings and ask for a commitment. I know you feel desperate and want to find out whether this is going to last or not. But those very feelings will trigger behaviours that cause your man to lose attraction he has for you.

Subtly point it out to him by inviting him to your friend's wedding or family gatherings. But still don't talk about commitment. Just act like you're in for the short term. When you do that, it creates attraction that'll force him to commit to you.

Ways To Save A Bad Relationship

Tweet

"I

 love you. You're the best. I love listening to you. I love everything about you. Oh my god, you're so amazing. Oh my god, it's so cute the way that you eat your meal. I love the way you roll over in the middle of the night and mumble in your sleep-it's so cute."

Now fast forward a year later.

"Stop talking in your sleep. God, your habits are irritating to me! Will you stop talking so much? I'm busy. Shut up. I hate the way that you chew your food. Why do you call me in the middle of the day for no reason at all?"

Isn't it amazing what a year does in a relationship? You go from loving somebody's balls to busting their balls constantly. It's unbelievable how a relationship evolves. And then they always say to you, "We need to talk."

Really? Who wants to talk to somebody that's constantly disagreeing with them or busting their balls? Nobody. Because when you actually sit down and have a conversation, you're not going to listen anyway, you're just going to wait to jump in and blast the other person's balls for a point that you want to make.

In the beginning of a relationship it's full of "I love you's"and "You're the best". You know why? Because you're under the drug called “Oxytocin”. And then some months later reality sets in and you learn the real person you're dating, and they start irritating you.

So, how do you save a bad relationship? Three ways.

Step number one: Actually listen to the person.

Allow them to talk, even if it's 20 or 25 minutes, without interrupting, without getting your point across, without having to say something. Allow them to talk and listen to them, like you did before, with no judgment.

Step number two: Clear a space in your heart.

Try to remember all the things you loved about them in the beginning. This is very important. There is a reason that the two of you got together. There were qualities about this person that made you commit to exploring a deeper relationship. Take some time to pull back and clear your heart of the anger and negativity. Then see why you loved this person in the first place.

Step three: Ask yourself, "Do I love the person that's in front of me?"

That's who that person really is. You're no longer under the influence of the first six months of La-la-la and you're now seeing who the real person is. Do you love that person? Do you honour that person? Do you respect that person? Do you want to love that person? Do you want to do things for that person? Do you want to be with that person?

Stop busting each other's balls when you're in a relationship and start seeing whether you can live with each other's balls.

You Need to Talk

Tweet

C

ouples generally have no major problem talking about daily business - what should we eat for dinner, let's make weekend plans. That's good. People need to communicate about what's going on in their daily life.

However, over time, it's not unusual for one partner to feel distressed with the quality of their communication. Often, though not always, it's the woman who finds herself complaining that she desires deeper communication. And the man who finds himself on the defensive.

"We need to talk," may seem like a simple statement to women, but it's not. Particularly, if her man is hearing, "What did I do wrong now?" Or, "What are you upset about now?" Seeking to escape a dressing-down, he may well respond, "later." Which might be fine if later ever came. But it usually doesn't. Not of his own accord, anyway.

Initially, he may believe that "later" has helped him escape a confrontation, but after awhile he realizes, it hasn't. For she still needs to talk. And if he doesn't give her a chance to do so, she'll be stewing.

What does she want? She may want him to be more involved with the responsibilities of home or child care. Or, she may want him to be more involved in her life. She may be weary of the mundane talk that's the core of their discourse and be yearning for intimate conversations like those that used to take place in the days of courtship. It's typical for a woman to keep trying to improve the relationship with her partner. But she may go about it in ways that are not particularly productive. What might she do differently? Here are a few suggestions:

Begin with the Positive

It's so easy to begin a discourse with the negative. Your complaint is right there at the tip of your tongue. Do your best, however, to squelch the urge. Surely, there are positive aspects of your relationship that you can point out before giving a laundry list of all the stuff that's been bothering you. People put up their guard when they feel that they've been attacked and either counter attack or go on the defensive. So, do your best to start off with the positive, end with the positive and sandwich your complaint in between.

Be More Solution-Oriented

Complaining is a position of the weak. Suggesting a solution is a position of the strong. Instead of saying, "You never..... (Fill in the blank), say something like, "I love that you're such a good husband (as you enumerate a few positive traits)." Then add what it is that you want. "And I want us to spend more time communicating about each other, not just the kids."

Ask specifically for what you want

Do you want to go on vacation without the kids? (Studies show that those who do this have better marriages.) Do you want a date night once a week, once a month? Do you want to have evening conversations that focus on each other, not the daily details of life? Think about it. It's not always easy to know what you want.

Keep it Short

It's no secret that women like to talk more than men. Women like the details. Men like to get to the bottom line, fast. So, if you're planning to have an hour long discussion about the state of your relationship and he'd like to keep it to two minutes, strike a compromise. Better to have 20 minutes of quality conversation than 60 minutes of a diatribe.

Communication, like other interpersonal skills, needs to be fine-tuned to the person you're speaking with and the topic you're speaking about.