Learn to Communicate Effectively in Marriage

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he general word for saving a marriage nowadays seems to be communication. It is as if it will automatically resolve all conflicts and hurts. It may seem a simple word but it can be quite difficult for one to practice. 

There are some pointers for a couple with marital problems to learn the right communication skills before using them correctly to be able to communicate effectively in marriage.

Your spouse is the closest human relation on earth to you; hence it is your rightful duty, as per your marriage vows, to treat each other well. Each has to look out for the welfare of the other and give one’s partner the best of oneself. But most of us tend to react the other way; we are most polite to strangers but rude and critical with our spouse. We tend to take our loved ones for granted. Hence, before good communication can happen between the married couple, they must remember their status in each other’s lives and be given top priority at all times. 

Communication between spouses 

Communication is the process of conveying some messages to another. Hence, the right words must be chosen as words, once delivered, cannot be retracted. It is so important to choose your words carefully so that the correct message is conveyed without inferences and guesswork. Always sort out your words first before voicing to avoid misunderstanding and create conflict. 

This is especially necessary if your marriage is not too stable when you wish to communicate to resolve issues. Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes to feel how your words might impact him/her. 

Another point about communication is the timing. To have an effective communication, it must be done at the right moment. Do not try to communicate when one party is not receptive or not alert in mind. Your spouse may be sleepy or tired; there will be no positive impact and you will end up being frustrated with the brick wall of communication. Both parties should be calm and ready to deal with the issue at hand for a resolution. That will be the best time to communicate your feelings and thoughts without being accusing or defensive. 

Avoid emotional outbursts which tend to turn your partner away or shut off their mind. This kills all forms of resolution to any disagreement or conflict in the marriage. Raising voices and yelling at each other tear down respect for one another which causes more hurt and frustration. 

Communication is conducive when the location is right. Crowded places or in front of your children will not do. The place should be comfortable and secure for both parties so that openness is encouraged. The bedroom is a good choice for privacy and a reflection of intimacy for good communication between the couple. 

There are many ways to communicate effectively besides words; one can touch or embrace, give a smile or a kiss. These help to relax the other party and allow softer communication to take place which is more productive. Choose nonverbal gestures of communication to promote respect, love and desire to resolve marital problem.

Why is It So Difficult to Forgive?

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hat causes us to be resentful and unforgiving? Every time someone offends or harms us in some way, they disregard a right we believe we should have. It is hard to release something we believe we have the right to and this causes conflict. Why is forgiveness so difficult?

Sometimes it's not about rights but we are upset because we didn't receive something we wanted or saw something we never expected. When we refuse to forgive, we claim to be right. This keeps us stuck. The more we dwell on what is owed us or what we want, the angrier and frustrated we are.

Un-forgiveness is like that. The more we dwell on the offense or what we should have gotten, the more it is like a car or a truck whose tires are stuck in the mud. We spin and spin and never get out.

The good news is we can get unstuck through forgiveness. We can call for help from wise counsellors and God. They can be like the tow truck. They can come lift us out of that rut so we can get on the road again and make progress to our destination.

When we forgive, we give up our rights to have things the way they should be and instead to accept the way things are. As long as we hang on to either our rights or the way we want things to be, we can't move on.

In order to let go and go forward, it is helpful to deal with our disappointments. Some trespasses are small and we can let go quickly. Others wound us deeply. In those cases we need to acknowledge the loss and the resulting grief. Our hurts and resentment are usually justified. Grieving in a healthy way allows us to process the anger and the heartache. Recognize that this can take time depending on how serious the offense was.

Once we let go, we find relief from the pain of what happened and we can look for ways to redeem the situation and bring good out of bad. We can benefit from the lessons learned even in negative situations and often be able to help others.

Listening is Very Important

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n this world, we are surrounded by argument. We turn on the news and hear about wars over differing views. We engage in political campaigns in which politicians debate over policies. Many people then come home and fight with their significant other. Children watch their parents argue. It is all around us.

What is at the root of this? Our communication!

Language is what distinguishes us, as humans, from all other species. Yes, other species communicate, but we have words and many different variations across continents.

Now, we might not be able to prevent people from disagreeing- everyone will have their own values and beliefs. But what if we could all co-exist with an appreciation for these differences, instead of having them as the driving force behind the division of families?

Many people think that arguing is communication.

Consider that arguing occurs when there is a lack of communication.

Communication is when someone is expressing themselves in a way that their experience is heard and gotten by the other person. The problem is, in what we call 'communication' (as an exchange of words) most of us don't listen. Well, at least not to the other person. We are too busy listening to ourselves.

That, in essence, could be at the root of all the arguing that, if you take notice, solves nothing. Think about this- how much do you really listen to someone else when they are speaking? Often, our listening is crowded with our own thoughts and judgements. We are already rehearsing our response, waiting to express our opinion before the other person is done. Imagine, if, when someone was speaking to us, we were listening so intently that we could repeat back to them what we heard, adding nothing, and really able to empathize. Furthermore, what would it be like if someone listened to you that way? No interruptions, just being truly present to what you are sharing. What if we put the emphasis on the importance of listening rather than talking?

Arguments escalate because each person doesn't feel validated or considered. People begin to raise their voices, dominate the other, all in an attempt to be heard. Can you see how this would be unnecessary if communication was really there? Maybe if you were listening, you'd see you didn't have anything to really argue about.

So here is something to take on: the next time you find yourself in conflict, put your opinions and thoughts aside and listen to the other person. Really get their concerns and desires. You might not agree, but from a standpoint of understanding you can then enter a realm of acceptance, compromise, and peace.

It is there that argument has no space to live.

Love or Lust: Find Out!

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hen you are in a relationship, sometimes it is difficult to tell if the man you're with is genuinely giving you all his love or is just somebody who treats you like a prized possession. Can you tell the dissimilarity between the two? There are in fact several signs which may denote if it is love or lust. However, what you might really need to comprehend first is how male psychology in fact works. The truth is both men and women possess sexual triggers which are way dissimilar from each other. With women, when they engage in a sexual act, there's certainly an attachment established towards the object of their desire, which often leads them to fall in love with a person. With men, however, it's like the newspaper; they simply get rid of the person once they have gotten what they desired from her and immediately lose interest if they have no emotional feeling for that person. It's cruel, but it is often deemed to be a truth which makes men aggressive, unrelenting and heartless creatures.

Maybe you are starting to question if the man you are in a relationship with is definitely in love with you or is just making use of you for sexual purposes. Sometimes, you are even scared of knowing it was the latter, and you would like to see, it goes far beyond lusting and that you really want him to start feeling something authentic and sincere for you. However, there are signs which would help you make a distinction of one from the other. He may actually feel a whole lot of love for you, but he is frequently thinking about having sex with you. That is not a sign to be on the lookout for. What you must be aware of is the behaviour that occurs before and after they've had their way with you. Below are a bunch of signs to look out for.

#1: A man in love simply goes out of his way to be with you and spend some time with you. A man in lust never cares of spending time with you.

#2: A man in love is someone who likes to call you every now and then and check up on you, ensuring everything's okay. A man in lust sporadically calls you up to meet him at some place hush-hush, like his house or yours.

#3: A man in love desires to know more concerning you, including the details of your life. The man who is just lusting after you doesn't have an interest in anything about you.

#4: The man in lust is somebody who's not seen you at your worst moments. A man in love goes out of the way to make sure he's there by your side when times get tough.

#5: A guy who is in love with you sees you as much as he can. Any man who feels the opposite sees you either on the weekend or at the last minute.

These are the signs to look out for if you would like to know if it is love or lust he is feeling for you.

The Power of Love

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y the time we are past our teens, most of us have had our share of loves and losses, disappointments and rejections and sometimes outright heartache. For some, this becomes an excuse to be bitter or mean or to always create distance or chaos to avoid the pain of ever getting close again. Some of us have enjoyed many years of a reasonably happy committed relationship or marriage only to have it end abruptly through infidelity, changed circumstances or death of partner. And some us remain in relationships which provide ongoing pain and suffering. Where has all the love gone?

I believe there is only one power in this world - LOVE. Negative emotions, evil thoughts, and even demonic actions are actually merely the absence of love. Where love exists, there is little room for anything else. If we can find a way to bring back the love we once shared with our current partner or the loving anticipation we once felt at the thought of meeting someone new, then all things may be possible.

Love consciousness. That is the love I am talking about, not the kind of self-centred, demanding, eye-for-an-eye type of love. Love consciousness allows us to see beyond the immediate appearance in front of us. Our partner may be raging but if we have the strength of love in our heart, we can actually see past the hostile words.

I am not suggesting that we need a situation that may be emotionally, physically or even spiritually harmful to us. But when we truly develop love consciousness, it becomes difficult to hate and much easier to forgive. And forgiveness is what heals our own heart and allows us to move forward in our life with love.

Love consciousness involves these components:

©  recognizing that love consciousness is the one true power

©  de-personalizing every thought, word or action of our own or others

Imagine yourself living in this state of love consciousness. How might you respond to your partner's anger? What if you knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you are lovable and loved?

What do YOU believe about love? Do YOU believe that love conquers all, that love overcomes fear, anger and any negative emotions? Do you believe there is any power stronger than love? Do you agree that love is truly the one power? Allow yourself to feel that love, to express that love and to be that love that is truly all powerful beyond measure.

True Love is What You Should Look For

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hat is true love to you? How important is it to you? Who can benefit from it? How many times have you been in love? Was it true? Do you know what true love is? Has anyone ever truly loved you? If someone did would you know what it is? When you were young and if you came from a loving family then you have some sort of idea of what it is all about.

You see love can take many forms. There can be love and there can be infatuation, and just plain lust. When you are dating someone if they say they love you, you must really take the time to think about what they are saying. What is it about me that they like? Do they really love me, or is it something else. Do you really care for your partner? Or, is it something else?

Sometimes people love others just for the things that they can do for them. Sometimes it can be someone whose persona projects a lot of power, in other words, someone that has a power, job and money. Others fall in love with someone that is good looking. Sometimes people fall in love because they are looking for someone that can fill a void in their life. Sometimes people just fall in love for all of the wrong reasons. All these things are superficial. Love is a true feeling for someone else. It comes from the heart. All of the superficial things to fall in love for, can fall apart at any time, and if you don't have true love you might have trouble staying together. You see, people can lose their job and power position. People that are good looking get old eventually, or something could happen to them that changes their good looks. What happens when that void in your life isn't needed to be filled anymore? You see, love has to come from the heart. True love never fades away.

Ever wonder what makes two older people stay together for a long, long time. Yes, you know the answer, true love.

When someone says "I love you", do you really think it's coming from their heart? When you say to someone "I love you", are you really saying it from your heart?

When contemplating marriage with that someone special you need to find out if it's true love, otherwise, it may not last. True blue love is what you should look for. Just something to think about today!

Don't be Afraid to Love

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ometimes we put up all of these defences and are afraid to fall in love. I believe that all of us have something within ourselves that wants to protect our feelings. Falling in love leaves us vulnerable. It kind of takes over our whole psyche, and we feel that we might lose control. When we fall in love, sometimes we remember a certain song that comes on the radio that reminds us of the one we love. Most of the day, we can't get them out of our mind even though we keep trying to stay busy so we don't think about them, somehow, the thought of them creeps back into our mind. We wonder what they're up to and with whom? We still fight that feeling of love. Why? I believe it's because we don't want to be hurt. When we fall in love we put all of our feelings out there, and we feel connected to that person. We don't want that feeling of love to take over too much, in case on down the road there is a breakup. So, we put up this great wall of defence between them and us. Sometimes, you just have to put your defences down and know that being in love is a good thing. Yes, you might get hurt on down the road, but wouldn't it be better to have loved even if it's just for a short time? Love is a beautiful feeling. You have that happy feeling all over, those butterflies in your stomach when you look at that someone special. Love just kind of takes over, doesn't it? Love is a feeling that you can't put a price on. Love is a special beautiful connection between two human beings. It can last for a minute, a day, a week, a month, a year or a life-time. The best is when it can last for a life time.

If you should find that you fall in love and on down the road it doesn't work out, at least you've spent precious time together with your loved one. Time goes on and on, and what you do with your life is so important. To have loved is one of the greatest things that can happen to you in your lifetime. Don't be afraid to love and be loved.

Won’t you like to be able to say that when you are old and that you have loved? How many people grow old and gray and never have been able to say they have truly loved someone. So, next time, you are afraid of love try to remember what is more important to you being afraid of love and not doing something about it, or letting your defences down and letting your feelings show. Don't be afraid to love. You never know where a relationship will go unless you're not afraid of love.

Ways to attract a day

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ate yourself! Yes, the first step to attracting a date is to realistically look in the mirror and consider if you were on the other side, would you date that person.

The second step is to identity five things that make you fun, interesting and appealing and write them down. If you have problems writing down five action words, you should already know you need help. The next step is to turn the paper over and write down five things you believe may hinder you from potentially attracting a date. The items on the back side of the paper are what we want to work on.

While I have no idea what you wrote on your paper, I am going to assume that I will cover at least some of the items in the content that follows. At this point, I am implementing a disclaimer to inform you that I do not have all the answers. The knowledge that I am going to share is based on my research. I also want to make clear that this writing is about dating only. We need to practice getting past first tier before we move to the next level.

Dating is a necessity in building a relationship. Dating is a time to communicate interest through discussions that lead to discovery. This should determine if there is a mutual interest. Dating helps you build a relationship before expectations creep in. For this reason, I believe sex too early in the relationship leads to unrealistic assessments and expectations.

We need to focus on the right thing. Generally, women focus on meeting someone to love and men focus on having sex. You have to increase your chance of developing more meaningful relationship centred on quality and also finding your soul mate.

Always look your very best. Whether you are running an errand, going to the market or taking a jog around the corner, make sure your hair is combed, clothes neat and breathe is fresh. Feeling good about you is an external reflector.

Change that Attitude. A good attitude at the very least makes you approachable. If your attitude says "don't even think about it," most people will not. My best advice is to check the attitude at the door.

 Lift the Restrictions. Whether man or woman, too many restrictions are a turn off and also limits the pool of a potential date candidate. Truthfully, too many restrictions are like roadblocks, difficult to get around.  Concentrate on meeting someone who will enhance and enrich your life.

The very first thing I suggested was to look in the mirror. The mirror is best known for helping you make an assessment of yourself. We should be realistic about what we see. Am I conscious of my physical appearance? Do I need to update or refresh my wardrobe? Do I need to visit a professional hairstylist or barber? Is my conversation diverse, uplifting and positive? Is my external beauty a reflection of my positive inner self?