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adies, when you tried to communicate with your man, hoping to talk about each other's feelings, or to solve an issue in your relationship; have you ever found yourself frustrated? Did he sound irritated and impatient when you asked him to talk about his feelings? Did his attention started to drift away merely after 10 minutes of having the conversation? If you answered yes to any of the above questions, it would be helpful to learn more about men's point of view and mindset towards communication, and the proper way to communicate with, and speak to him.
Men do not like to spend a lot time talking about each other's feelings, and that is a proven fact. However, if you simply change the way you speak, and try to avoid to do certain things that are particularly annoying to men in a conversation; you are likely to obtain a better result.
Men's Mindset towards the Conversation
For most men, making him to talk about his feelings instantly creates more stresses. Especially, when it is a conversation that requires him to sit down, concentrate, and respond for more than 30 minutes. Study shows that women use about 7,000-50,000 words per day while men only use about 2,000-25,000. Some men usually finished up most of their share of words and talking by the time they get home from work. For most men, the last thing he wants to do when he gets home is to talk about something he is not interested in. Therefore, if you want to talk to your man; you should try to avoid starting the conversation with something like "We need to talk." This phrase immediately sounds men's alarm, and creates enormous amount of pressure for them. To men, it is a tiring and painful task to sit there and focus on such conversation. What women can do is to make him feel comfortable and being appreciated. Men are willing to communicate as long it is preceded in a way that men would accept.
What Makes a Man Doesn't Want to Listen to a Woman:
You Interrupted Him during His Relaxing Hour
He is exhausted from a hard day's work, all he wants to do is to go back to his cave and let his brain go blank. You interrupted him when he is watching a soccer game or TV show because you want to have a conversation immediately. And you made him turn off the TV to listen to you carefully. For some men, activities such as watching TV, play video games are some of the ways to help them relax. Let him have his time to chill and let his brain rest. The key here is to pick a time to talk to him when he is not feeling exhausted and is in a good mood.
You Forced Him to Multitask
We all know most men are not as good at multitasking as women. Men can only focus one thing at a time. When you tried to have a conversation with him, while he is working on something important will really annoy him, because you are forcing him to break off his concentration. If you tried talk him while he is working on his computer, besides not getting a good result, you will really stress him out.
You Tried to Have a Long and Meaningful Heart to Heart Conversation
Do men really have short attention span? Not really, but they do have a very short attention span towards activities that they are not particularly fond of. So what you can do is to break it down into sections and try to limit to not more than two topics each time having a conversation. You probably wouldn't force yourself to finish a thick book in just one night, and you would try to read couple chapters per day, and finish it throughout the week. It's the same theory.
You Expect Him to Know What You are Thinking
Men are more logical than women by nature, and men are not very good in expressing their emotions and feelings. To men, feeling is something more abstract, men tend to have hard time talking about his own feelings and guessing your feelings. Try not to start the conversation with a question such as "So, how do you think we should improve our relationship?" If you feel, you and him should find ways to improve the relationship, start the conversation by explaining how you think about the relationship should be improved. Don't make men guess your thoughts and feelings by questioning him, men tend to open up more easily when his woman shares her feelings first.
When He is Fading Away
When you find him starting to fade away from the conversation, it is probably a good idea to end it nicely and quickly. It is a sign that his concentration had been broken, and he will no longer stay focused on the issue. It is best to continue at another time to achieve a better result.
Stop Blaming and Accusing Him
If you felt he is doing something wrong that is hurting the relationship, try to hold back the urge to blame him, if you start the conversation with blaming him; you can be sure the next time you want to have a conversation, he is going to try everything he could to avoid being in that position. Start by letting him know that you love him, and how much you care about the relationship, and how you would be so touched if he is willing to work together with you to improve the relationship.
Tone Your Voice down and be Gentle
Relax your face and posture, do not cross your arms in front of you, as it translates into "purposely keeping a distance". Speak to him with a gentle, and soft-spoken voice, and tone down your voice pitch. Keep the conversation tempo smooth and do not yell under any circumstances, and don't forget to remind him how much you love him along the conversation.
Do Not Give Him Orders
Do not talk to him in a demanding tone such as "You need to change this habit". By giving him orders to change will not do the job. Men are ego-centric, if you tried to boss and order him around to do stuff; you can bet you pennies that he might just go about the opposite. Tried to put yourself in his shoes for once, view the world and relationship through his eyes, and be empathetic.
You Forced Him to Reach an Agreement
People have different opinions, and that is what makes this world so interesting! Men too, shall be granted the right to have opposing opinions. Whether you agree with him or not, don't get angry and upset. One of you has to compromise, it's best to take turn to give in and be the one compromising. Mutual compromising is the key to a healthy relationship or marriage.
You Forced Him to Promise You Something
This creates burden for men, if he has learned, that every time having a conversation ended up with you making up more rules for him to follow; you can be sure he is not looking forward to the next conversation. A good man would try his best to please you the way you wanted him to, without you making rules that are sounding just like orders.
What Can You Do To Have Your Men Listen to You with Patience and Understanding?
In order to get the optimal result and to make communication a more loving and less frustrating process, you should try the following methods with your man.
Pick a Good Timing
Timing is everything when comes communicating with men. Pick a time when he is fully relaxed and in a wonderful mood. Every man differs with their preferences of best timing for communication. For some men, communicating before bed will give him insomnia. So, it is best to ask him for his preferences.
Start the Conversation with a loving tone
Try to start the conversation with a sweet and loving tone such as "Hon, do you have time to talk about something?" This will make communicating less fearsome for men. Men cannot resist his woman's sweetness; remember to always fully utilize your womanly gesture.
Talk About One or Two Issues at a Time
Think about how you would read a thick book; try to limit yourself to talk about one or two issues at a time. You are more likely to get a better result.
Be Quiet and Listen
When you've finally got him to open up and talk about his feelings. Be quiet and just listen, do not interrupt him and just allow him do the talking. You can always input your opinions after he is done. This will help him to open up more with his inner most feelings.
Reassure Him that Communication is not as painful and Difficult as He Thought
This is where you will make or break his willingness and habit to communicate in the future, if you can reassure him that communicating with you is not as painful and mind-bending as he thought, he will eventually form a habit and start to dedicate more of his time for communication.
Show Respect, Appreciation and Love
Thank him afterwards for his willingness to sit down, pay attention and communicate. He did it because he cares, so show him your appreciation and love. Finally show your understanding when having a disagreement over an issue, if you and him truly love each other, and both of you are willing to compromise, the issue will be solved sooner or later. Forcing to come up with an agreement will not do any good to the relationship.
Men are reluctant to communicate because they have this common perception that it is painful and time-consuming. It is time for you to change his perception caused and formed from his past memories and relationships.
Cheers and happy communicating!
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