The end of
a once-loving relationship usually carries emotional prices that both sides
must pay. Whether you were "the dump-er," or someone who "got
dumped" really doesn't matter. Love's end doesn't have the same conclusion
or outcome as a tennis match or a ball game.
Declare
yourself "the winner" all that you like. It's a lie. By default, both
sides are most often the losers. There's a wide assortment of emotional prices
to be paid, on both sides of the Lost Love Ledger:
Ostracize
the Pariah. First, there's the simple fact that none of us
lives in a bubble. All of our actions are subject to the review and judgment of
others. So even if you left a former love who experiences more pain than you
feel, you still may suffer when others you still care about express their
disapproval of your behaviour by cutting you off.
Shame
on You! You don't have to still hear the one you've left
behind hurling insults at your back as you walk out the door. The echoes of
those cries of outraged betrayal, abandonment and pain will haunt anyone who
has a shred of common humanity left to them. Even if you really don't care any
longer for the one you've left behind, you did care for them at one time. So if
you're causing them to suffer now, you can't help but feel some sort of shame about
the consequences of your actions. If you don't, you may be worse than a
narcissist. You may be a bit pathological, or worse.
Lonely
Street. There's almost never a "winner take
all" end to an affair. That means that both the person who does the
dumping and the one who gets dumped are likely to lose friendship at just the
time when their pain makes them need such support. Loneliness will invariably
follow in the wake of these events.
How
Could He - Or She? The pain of lost love
is usually accompanied by confusion ("how could this happen to me?"),
outrage, a sense of betrayal, a desire for vengeance, a fearful need for
escape, guilt, depression, even terror of threatening future events and
potential crises, including enormous health risks or even worse.
I'm
No Good. The most insidious damage caused by love's end
can come in the form of losing the capacity to properly and appropriately
maintain one's love for one's self. It's deeper than just losing
"self-esteem" or personal approval. Real dangers can arise for those
who suffer parting with a loved one by retreating into a self-hating despair.
These losses can lead to a wide variety of self-destructive behaviours, from
addiction to substances or to meaningless sexual encounters, or even to
suicide.
No
Silver Bullets. There's really no single way to prevent or
overcome such negative feelings when you find yourself on either side of the
Lost Love Ledger. The longer the relationship had lasted, the more you had
invested in seeing it through, the more severe will be the risk of suffering
more extreme forms of these feelings. The best thing you can do for yourself is
to seek out good advice, good friends and loved ones, and to simply endure long
enough for your pain to fade and for new joys to arise from new values that
have entered or have grown in your life.
Take heart,
and be hopeful. "This too shall pass away."
Best wishes
for your rapid recovery.
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