By Esther Obazu-Ojeagbase
Wives bear as much
responsibility as husbands. We have the power to make our homes, or break our
marriages and so it’s very important for a wife to control anger, guide her
tongue and be prayerful.
How
wives hurt their husbands
While both husband
and wife should take responsibility for their parts in a marriage, below are
ten mistakes common to women, which can completely destroy a marriage. When
women exhibit the following behaviours, it can create a hostile environment,
where no one feels safe or comfortable.
1. Using words to hurt maim and destroy
marriage: Although men are stronger, women have the advantage when it comes
to verbal strength. Women are adept at brandishing the sharpest words in order
to shame, demean and belittle their man. Words are like toothpaste. Once they
are out, there is no getting them back in. Regardless of how sorry you are
afterward, the damage has been done.
2. Having unrealistic expectations:
Seeking fulfilment from one person, and projecting your unhappiness onto him
when he doesn’t measure up will destroy your marriage. If you feel unhappy,
first examine reality. You will be happier if you shape your expectations to
fit the reality of your situation. Expecting your spouse or children to make
you happy is unrealistic. Make yourself happy.
3. Using sarcastic and critical statements,
Gestures and facial expressions: This is a quick and easy way to show your
husband that you don’t respect him or his opinion. Men can become overwhelmed
by the barrage of criticism coming at them. The result is they shut down,
withdraw, and seek kindness and approval elsewhere.
4. Criticize him, Make fun of him and belittle
him in front of your friends and family: Not only will this diminish your
husband in your eyes; it will poison those closest to you. You force them to
take sides, and of course they choose your side because they want to be loyal
to you. They will not look at your husband the same. Once you are over your
tirade, they will still be mad at him. Your close friendships and relationships
will remain irreparably altered against your husband, at time; this can destroy
your marriage.
5. Withhold affection and sex: Men are
wired differently than women. They need physical release through sexual
intimacy. When you refuse to meet that need, you are making a much deeper
statement; you do not care about or respect his needs. As much as you need
emotional release and closeness, he is wired to need physical release and
closeness. Neither is wrong. You are just different. While you want your
emotional needs met, it is important not to lose sight of his needs. Think of
it this way; what if he stops talking to you for three days? How about a week?
What if he didn’t talk to you for a month? Likewise, it is unfair for you to
cut him off from what he needs.
6. Disrespecting his insight, opinions and
advice: Men are fixers. By nature, if you present a problem, he will come
up with concrete steps to solve the problem. When you are dismissive, it sends
the message that you do not value him. If you just want to bitch and complain,
call a girlfriend. Girlfriends are great listeners. They will not try to fix
you. If you must whine at your husband, tell him upfront that you don’t need a
solution, just an ear to hear. Sometimes, you might actually follow his advice.
It could just work.
7. Undermining his authority, but demanding
he take full responsibility: In any organisation,
there must be a leader, someone in charge. The head over the whole
organisation, who says “The buck stops here.” Typically, the person who carries
the responsibility ought to be the one who has the final say. Don’t become so
focused on your own feelings and fears (i.e., ‘I’m afraid he will make a bad
decision.’ ‘I feel like I make better decisions.’) to override his feelings and
fears (i.e., ’I am responsible for taking care of the family.’ ‘I am afraid no
one in the family respects me.’) Be gracious in light of his decision making.
You can respectfully disagree with a decision without attacking his ability to
lead.
8. Never being happy: One of the quickest
ways to destroy your marriage is to spend all your time acting miserable and
unhappy. The goal of marriage should be peace and happiness. It is to this end
that you have an obligation to be happy. If your goal is to be happily married,
it is up to you to exercise self control. There is no need to express every
angry, bitter and resentful thought. By owning your own problems, you can take
responsibility for your happiness. Each day, work on bringing your best self
into the relationship. Regardless of what happens, you are only one thought
away from peace.
9. Demoralising him and crushing his spirit: If
asked, most men believe their wives to be more moral and spiritual than
themselves. Often, the wife agrees. She does not see herself as sinful or
wrong. She feels her greatest “sins” lie in being disappointed by her husband’s
failures and her children’s shortcomings. Beyond this, wives typically admit to
bad behaviour and attitudes, but attribute it to hormones, chemical imbalances
and a dysfunctional childhood. Woe to the husband who dares suggest his lovely
bride could use improvement in some aspect of her life. Labelled a heartless,
uncaring, unrighteous lout, he is silenced by an angered, wounded wife, cloaked
in self-righteous indignation. She then feels perfectly justified in attacking
every flaw, magnifying every misstep and pointing out every failure, until he
feels ashamed of living. You are not your husband’s morality police. Stop
trying to correct every flaw you perceive in his character and set about
removing the blinding plank from your own eye.
10. Unhygienic environment: Wives forget
that neatness is one of the things some husbands look out for. No man wants to
come back tired from work only to find the whole house looking so untidy, dirty
and smelly. It is very important for the woman to be neat and make the house so
welcoming and inviting for her husband; by so doing the woman will be well
respected and honoured by her husband.
While this list may
seem daunting, it is important to remember that the main goal of marriage
should be peace and happiness. If life is stressful, work on changing your
perception. You can see peace instead of stress. You are only one thought away
from a peaceful life. If you feel unhappy, seek those things that will fulfil
you in life. Just be happy. The simplest route to something is to just be. The
only person you can change is yourself. Read Proverbs 31:10 to 31 and pray to
God to help you build your home and He will in Jesus name.
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